Monday, April 21, 2008


What if in being "true to myself" I am compromising what I believe is right and good?
When you do something that makes you feel good, like eat a big juicy hamburger and fries, or drink a yummy alcoholic beverage, or smoke pot, or have impulsive sex outside the context of marriage, or eat a whole package of Oreo cookies, or watch a porn, or lie to get out of going to work, all these things make you feel "good" for a moment or two, or even sometimes a long while.
They don't last. The yummy impulsive feelings get replaced by hangovers, regret, feelings of being overweight and lazy, addiction, even cancers, STD's, high blood pressure, loss of work, marriage break ups, and loneliness.
So, what is being true to yourself? It is NOT doing whatever feels good at the moment, but rather doing what you know will benefit you in the long run.
So, now that I know and understand this, will it change things? Yes, my goodness yes.
I was longing for the last week, to be more impulsive, more "courageous", less prude like (called prudish by someone I had a mild crush on didn't help).
But really, I do not mind being a goody two shoes. I don't mind being more sugar and less spice.
Whenever I meet the man of my dreams, he can have the spice. For now, as long as I am only a prude, or a goodytwoshoes, and not a snob, or a mean person, then I am fine with who and what I am, and don't want anyone to change me.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


freedom from what? a warm set of arms? passionate kisses? oh yeah, thats a lot of fun.
freedom to "do" whomever I choose? what if i don't choose, because I don't want to be a slut, and I certainly don't like to think about those kind words "guys only say those nice things to you because every one knows fat girls are easy". even if those words were not true and only meant to crush, they did their job and more.
Freedom to act stupid and get drunk and embarrass myself? oh yeah thats great.
is anyone really having all that much fun with their freedom from others?

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I believed

I believed, that it was just a phase, that he was coming back to me, a better man in Christ.
I believed, that God wouldn't have brought us through the tough times to let us fall apart.
I believed.
I still believe that God is a good and gracious Father, who wants the best for His children. I guess I don't know what the best is, but as it says in Job "your latter will be greater than your past".