Ready, Set...

It feels like we skipped spring. Well, more like we had summer for a week, then froze all over, and now we are in summer again. I never got to have a good spring cleaning. In fact, as I sit here, looking around the house, I think I need to go rent a dumpster and start from scratch.
Never been one to easily perform "baby steps" I know the night is coming (probably sooner than I guess) when I stay up for a couple of days and completely overhaul the apartment one last time. Washing walls, shampooing carpet, throwing out tons of garbage and things that I have been holding onto for those projects I never have time for. I needed the sunshine today, shining in the windows, shedding light on what needs to be "ReBorn".  Inspirational.

two years is not really a blog, now is it? :-)

Going to take some time to learn how to be a better blogger. Likely start another blog for the "life" stuff and save this for the projects?

Looking back

Amazing, truly, how little I learned.

I am rediscovering for the 3rd time, that I keep repeating the same mis-steps.

It is nearing the end of 2010, and I have found that I was not at all who or what I thought I was.

I have found that I don't and didn't even know who or what I was, I just talked a lot.

I did change. And I became that which I didn't like.

Then, when I tried to change back, I found that, I didn't like the old me either.

So, I am here, at another turn. Finding that I have taken another path that just seemed like a good and smart one. And I am feeling hurt, heartbreak, and that lost feeling, all over again.

But also, freedom.

This time, I feel a frightening sense of being loosed. This time, I don't feel like I will die from the pain, because I know I will not. If I listen, and calm down, I will find that the pain is a device. The pain is a means to an end, for God.

When I go outside of what is good for me, God is like a good parent, no yelling, or smacking around, just lets me get hurt, just enough, to know that's not a good way to go. That's what free will is about. I have free will, to do as i please. But when my will takes me outside of the things that are healthy and positive, pain is part of it.

Impulse Updated

Well, I tried it, despite what I said, and it wasn't that great. I was impulsive, with some reserve, but at times almost reckless. I wanted the approval of a group of "friends" who in the long run, aren't worth seeking the approval of. 

I am seeking out old friends and new contacts now, people who want more out of life than a party. People who can hold a conversation about more than the latest movie, or their newest sexual conquest. People who have drive, ambition, and can hold me accountable. 

I am trying my hardest to wean myself from the company of the weak willed. 

Impulse

What if in being "true to myself" I am compromising what I believe is right and good?
When you do something that makes you feel good, like eat a big juicy hamburger and fries, or drink a yummy alcoholic beverage, or smoke pot, or have impulsive sex outside the context of marriage, or eat a whole package of Oreo cookies, or watch a porn, or lie to get out of going to work, all these things make you feel "good" for a moment or two, or even sometimes a long while.
They don't last. The yummy impulsive feelings get replaced by hangovers, regret, feelings of being overweight and lazy, addiction, even cancers, STD's, high blood pressure, loss of work, marriage break ups, and loneliness.
So, what is being true to yourself? It is NOT doing whatever feels good at the moment, but rather doing what you know will benefit you in the long run.
So, now that I know and understand this, will it change things? Yes, my goodness yes.
I was longing for the last week, to be more impulsive, more "courageous", less prude like (called prudish by someone I had a mild crush on didn't help).
But really, I do not mind being a goody two shoes. I don't mind being more sugar and less spice.
Whenever I meet the man of my dreams, he can have the spice. For now, as long as I am only a prude, or a goodytwoshoes, and not a snob, or a mean person, then I am fine with who and what I am, and don't want anyone to change me.

freedom?

freedom from what? a warm set of arms? passionate kisses? oh yeah, thats a lot of fun.
freedom to "do" whomever I choose? what if i don't choose, because I don't want to be a slut, and I certainly don't like to think about those kind words "guys only say those nice things to you because every one knows fat girls are easy". even if those words were not true and only meant to crush, they did their job and more.
Freedom to act stupid and get drunk and embarrass myself? oh yeah thats great.
is anyone really having all that much fun with their freedom from others?

I believed

I believed, that it was just a phase, that he was coming back to me, a better man in Christ.
I believed, that God wouldn't have brought us through the tough times to let us fall apart.
I believed.
I still believe that God is a good and gracious Father, who wants the best for His children. I guess I don't know what the best is, but as it says in Job "your latter will be greater than your past".