Looking back

Amazing, truly, how little I learned.

I am rediscovering for the 3rd time, that I keep repeating the same mis-steps.

It is nearing the end of 2010, and I have found that I was not at all who or what I thought I was.

I have found that I don't and didn't even know who or what I was, I just talked a lot.

I did change. And I became that which I didn't like.

Then, when I tried to change back, I found that, I didn't like the old me either.

So, I am here, at another turn. Finding that I have taken another path that just seemed like a good and smart one. And I am feeling hurt, heartbreak, and that lost feeling, all over again.

But also, freedom.

This time, I feel a frightening sense of being loosed. This time, I don't feel like I will die from the pain, because I know I will not. If I listen, and calm down, I will find that the pain is a device. The pain is a means to an end, for God.

When I go outside of what is good for me, God is like a good parent, no yelling, or smacking around, just lets me get hurt, just enough, to know that's not a good way to go. That's what free will is about. I have free will, to do as i please. But when my will takes me outside of the things that are healthy and positive, pain is part of it.

Impulse Updated

Well, I tried it, despite what I said, and it wasn't that great. I was impulsive, with some reserve, but at times almost reckless. I wanted the approval of a group of "friends" who in the long run, aren't worth seeking the approval of. 

I am seeking out old friends and new contacts now, people who want more out of life than a party. People who can hold a conversation about more than the latest movie, or their newest sexual conquest. People who have drive, ambition, and can hold me accountable. 

I am trying my hardest to wean myself from the company of the weak willed. 

Impulse

What if in being "true to myself" I am compromising what I believe is right and good?
When you do something that makes you feel good, like eat a big juicy hamburger and fries, or drink a yummy alcoholic beverage, or smoke pot, or have impulsive sex outside the context of marriage, or eat a whole package of Oreo cookies, or watch a porn, or lie to get out of going to work, all these things make you feel "good" for a moment or two, or even sometimes a long while.
They don't last. The yummy impulsive feelings get replaced by hangovers, regret, feelings of being overweight and lazy, addiction, even cancers, STD's, high blood pressure, loss of work, marriage break ups, and loneliness.
So, what is being true to yourself? It is NOT doing whatever feels good at the moment, but rather doing what you know will benefit you in the long run.
So, now that I know and understand this, will it change things? Yes, my goodness yes.
I was longing for the last week, to be more impulsive, more "courageous", less prude like (called prudish by someone I had a mild crush on didn't help).
But really, I do not mind being a goody two shoes. I don't mind being more sugar and less spice.
Whenever I meet the man of my dreams, he can have the spice. For now, as long as I am only a prude, or a goodytwoshoes, and not a snob, or a mean person, then I am fine with who and what I am, and don't want anyone to change me.

freedom?

freedom from what? a warm set of arms? passionate kisses? oh yeah, thats a lot of fun.
freedom to "do" whomever I choose? what if i don't choose, because I don't want to be a slut, and I certainly don't like to think about those kind words "guys only say those nice things to you because every one knows fat girls are easy". even if those words were not true and only meant to crush, they did their job and more.
Freedom to act stupid and get drunk and embarrass myself? oh yeah thats great.
is anyone really having all that much fun with their freedom from others?

I believed

I believed, that it was just a phase, that he was coming back to me, a better man in Christ.
I believed, that God wouldn't have brought us through the tough times to let us fall apart.
I believed.
I still believe that God is a good and gracious Father, who wants the best for His children. I guess I don't know what the best is, but as it says in Job "your latter will be greater than your past".

Is this the real life?

Wow, it has been months since I posted, and too much has happened for me to write about at the moment. Let me encapsulate:
I am divorced.
I spent a total of 3 weeks in a Acute Mental Health Facility for severe depression.
For every step forward I seem to get kicked or pulled back 3.
I am going to be victorious again.
I am about as broke as it gets. HAHA!!
I have been electronically stalked, and am going to be laughing all the way to the bank for the torture that my ex husband as put me through.
I have questioned my faith, and my beliefs and come out stronger than I imagined was possible, praise God.
I am free to do whatever I want, and it is a little overwhelming, but so very exciting!!!

seven promises of God (copied from an online article)

What can be said about God's promises to us?

1. He has promised to supply every need we have. The Bible says: "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus". That's Phillipians 4:19. Now notice, God has obligated Himself only to the extent of our needs. That would include food, clothing, shelter, companionship, love, and salvation thru Jesus Christ. It would not include the multiplicity of luxuries that we have come to think of as needs.
2. God has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. (II Corinthians 12:9). in fact, He has made provision for our salvation by His grace through faith. Read Ephesians 2:8. It is through an obedient faith that we have access into the grace of God according to Romans 5:2.
3. God has promised that His children will not be overtaken with temptation. Instead, He assures us that a way of escape will be provided. This promise is recorded in I Corinthians 10:13. Jude wrote: "Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present your faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy" (Jude v 24). Darius, King of the Medes, said to Daniel, "Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee" (Daniel 6:16). He did deliver Daniel from the den of lions.
4. God has promised us victory over death. He first resurrected Jesus by way of assuring our resurrection. Peter said: "This Jesus hath God raised up, whereof we are all witnesses" (Acts 2:32). Paul wrote to the Corinthians: "For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures, and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures" (I Corinthians 15:3,4). Later on he adds: "but thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (I Corinthians 15:57).
5. God has promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully (Romans 8:28). It may be difficult for us to see and understand how this is accomplished at times, but God has promised it, and He will deliver.
6. God has promised that those who believe in Jesus and are baptized for the forgiveness of sins will be saved. (Read Mark 16:16 and Acts 2:38).
7. God has promised His people eternal life (John 10:27,28).
   
8. In closing, let me appeal to you to live so that the promises of God will be yours.