Sunday, October 31, 2010

Looking back

Amazing, truly, how little I learned.
I am rediscovering for the 3rd time, that I keep repeating the same mis-steps.
It is nearing the end of 2010, and I have found that I was not at all who or what I thought I was.
I have found that I don't and didn't even know who or what I was, I just talked a lot.
I did change. And I became that which I didn't like.
Then, when I tried to change back, I found that, I didn't like the old me either.
So, I am here, at another turn. Finding that I have taken another path that just seemed like a good and smart one. And I am feeling hurt, heartbreak, and that lost feeling, all over again.
But also, freedom.
This time, I feel a frightening sense of being loosed. This time, I don't feel like I will die from the pain, because I know I will not. If I listen, and calm down, I will find that the pain is a device. The pain is a means to an end, for God.
When I go outside of what is good for me, God is like a good parent, no yelling, or smacking around, just lets me get hurt, just enough, to know that's not a good way to go. That's what free will is about. I have free will, to do as i please. But when my will takes me outside of the things that are healthy and positive, pain is part of it.

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